Cine Alphaville

Parallel Synchronized Randomness*

2008-03-28T20:49:00.000-07:00

The delightful blog PhotoshopDisasters has a post on the abysmal one-sheet for the upcoming rom-com crapfest "The Accidental Husband". I posted a comment, but I am not sure why I didn't write about a similar event here. Maybe the pain of thinking about it was just to great and I had purged it from memory. Freshly reminded, alas, I am here now to correct that oversight.

Months ago at the cinema, we received a one-sheet for "The Accidental Husband". The poster case wasn't even closed and locked, yet my mockery of the poster started.

"Good lord!" I exclaimed to my concessionists. "His hands are enormous!" I was pointing to Colin Firth on the right.

Some of the Stand people scurried over to give it a closer inspection. "They are enormous! They're huge." Employees starting gazing at the palms of their hands for perspective.

"Yeah," I moaned, "those are some serious 'Science of Sleep' hands."

Everyone was standing around gawking at their own hands, looking at the poster, back at their hands, just to see, just to be sure.

I shook my head and gestured with my hand at the poster. "Promise me if I should ever be falling from the sky in a wedding dress, that, uh, maybe you look a little bit more like you may be in a position to catch me. Neither of them are underneath her."

I could drone on, but over the next ten days or so we mocked the inconsistencies on the poster. It was nice; it brought us together as a team. A true bonding experience. Then, the enormous Ode to Corrugated Cardboard Lobby Display arrived, which we assembled. Discussions over the size of the hands were non-stop, as the near life-sized OtCCLD for the film truly accentuated this design flaw.

With the display, I removed the one-sheet from the display case. I walked upstairs to the employee breakroom. I pinned it to the wall and left a few magic markers on the table. It didn't take long before tired, hungry and hateful staffers truly turned the poster for "The Accidental Husband" into a true work of modern art. Priceless. Here we were, months later, still bonding as management and staff over the genius of this poster. I was going to take a photo of it someday before someone took it home (without permission).

As I pointed out in my brief comment on the PhotoshopDisasters blog, I simply cannot comprehend how movie studios and producers will spend $30 million, $40 million, $90 million dollars on a film, then obviously scrimp-and-save on the advertising artwork. I can just hear the executive producer of the film saying, "Hey, I bought Photoshop 2.0 off of eBay for my kid's Mac. Let's have him design the poster so I can write off that software purchase on my taxes."

C'mon. If Samuel Z. Arkoff (of American International fame) had it right: design the poster/advertising first, then the screenplay, then make and release your shitty movie. Hey, it worked and got me to spend some hard-earned babysitting monies on seeing "FROGS" back in the day; it certainly could work to put some rumps in our seats for a romantic comedy crapfest like this.

*The post title refers to PSR (Parallel Synchronzied Randomness), which is fully explained in Michel Gondry's extraordinary film "The Science of Sleep".

Will you be my bodyguard? I'll pay you fifty cents every day. I'll do your homework for you. I'm pretty smart.*

2008-03-19T21:22:00.000-07:00

The eternal question: why fertilize? As spring beckons, it is important to remember to first fertilize the soil. This little bit of effort on your part will ensure that whatever you plant in your garden, be it vegetable or flower, will grow beautifully throughout the upcoming months.

According to the towering behemoth of a display that currently lords over my lobby, soon we will be blessed with another Owen Wilson crapfest entitled "Drillbit Taylor".

What witty tagline did the crack promotional team at Largemountain Pictures come up with you ask?

"You get what you pay for."

Let's take a moment and let that witty aphorism sink in so we may more fully appreciate all of its lyric qualities.

(Five seconds)

(Fifteen seconds)

(Thirty seconds)

"You get what you pay for."

Congratulations. Even if you did just skim ahead, you just gave it more thought than an entire Largemountain Pictures promotional department did. Yup. Uh-huh. That's the best they could come up with out of their goldfish bowl of fortune cookie taglines? WOW.

What I find amazing is that they seem to be apologizing from the get-go on this puppy --- right on the damn standee. (Rightfully so, probably.)

Oh, my head; how it aches and throbs so. There is no medicine. There is no cure.

Generally, as a rule of thumb, we only keep standees up through the first weekend of a film's release. (Why? Standees are like zombies; kill one and two rise to take its place. Real estate is prime in any lobby.)

However, with the Pulitzer Prize-writing skills exhibited here on the mighty "Drillbit Taylor" standee, I believe I will make the exception and leave it up for the entire run of the movie.

And I swear to God, each and every time I receive a complaint about this movie (oh, and there will be...hello Senior Discount Day!), I am going to walk the customer over to Giant Corrugated Cardboard Owen Wilson, pull my laser pointer out of my pocket and point directly above his head at their tagline:

"You get what you pay for."
"You get what you pay for."
"You get what you pay for."

Hello. You were just swindled and robbed. Have a nice day!

* Post title is a line of dialogue from the 1980 film "My Bodyguard".

An Inconvienient Truth

2008-03-06T15:14:00.000-08:00

Here is a real, true-life adventure with a paying customer:

An elderly man, completing his credit card concession purchase, expresses a concern with my Stand person who just waited on him:

ELDERLY MAN: "Why do I have to sign a receipt? It's dumb."

EMPLOYEE: "It shows you made the purchase, that's all."

ELDERLY MAN: "Do you know how much paper this wastes? Trees, entire forests are used to print a receipt that I throw away."

EMPLOYEE: "I'm sorry. Here's your copy. Have a good time at your movie."

ELDERLY MAN: "I want you to tell that to your boss. NO MORE RECEIPTS."

EMPLOYEE: "Uh, my boss is right here if you would like to talk to him."

ELDERLY MAN: "Yes, I would."

ME: [having heard everything, mentally firing Employee] "How may I help you today?"

ELDERLY MAN: "These credit card receipts! They waste so much paper!" [waves four inch receipt in front of me]

ME: "Yes, sir. They do use paper, but not much."

ELDERLY MAN: "Trees are cut just so I can do this." [makes a production about crumpling the receipt and tossing it in garbage can.] "Why? It is such a waste; a horrendous waste."

ME: "I understand. It is a necessary evil of business I'm afraid."

ELDERLY MAN: "No they're not."

I am a firm believer in fully dealing with a problem or concern when presented with it, and that includes, occasionally having to educate & inform the customer.

ME: "At least two or three times a week I have a past customer phone their credit card company saying they didn't make this purchase. The credit card company sends me a letter and says they are going to take the money from me and give it back to the customer unless I can prove the sale was made. I make a copy of your signed receipt and mail it back to the credit card company so I can keep the money for the purchase that was made. You might choose to throw yours away, but I view it as a necessary evil for transaction's purporses."

ELDERLY MAN: "We are killing trees for this crap. There should be no receipts at all!!"

ME: "If you feel that strongly about this sir, please feel free to contact my Home Office." [provides address] "Otherwise, if I may offer a suggestion? Why don't you simply conduct all your transactions in cash? Unlike at most businesses, cash transactions at either my Box Office or Concession Stand do not generate receipts, whereas credit card purchases do. This would enable you to help save paper and trees."

[Pause.]

[Pause.]

ELDERLY MAN: "You've got a real smart mouth on you."

ME: "I'm sorry you feel that way. I was trying to offer a solution..."

ELDERLY MAN: "Shut up, Smart Mouth. Gimme a water. I'm late for my movie."

ME: [letting his comment roll off my back like water on a duck, reaches for a bottled water, which we sell.]

ELDERLY MAN: "NO, NOT ONE OF THOSE! I'M NOT PAYING YOUR HIGHWAY ROBBERY PRICES! GIVE ME A FREE CUP OF WATER!"

ME: "Sir, there is a drinking fountain just over..."

ELDERLY MAN: "GIVE ME A CUP, SMART MOUTH!"

ME: "Sir? You want to drink from a small plastic cup that you will throw away instead of sipping water at the fountain?"

ELDERLY MAN: "I am NOT lapping at puddle of water like a stray dog. Gimme the cup already!"

Moral of this Story: plastic cups are not a resource worth saving & do not impact our environment when disposed of properly. However, paper is and does. Oh, and old people need real issues to focus on, in addition to heavy sedation.

FIN.

O Brother Putney Swope, Where Art Thou?

2008-02-12T19:47:00.000-08:00

Hollywood spends millions upon millions of dollars advertising a film to power in those amazing and all-important opening weekend grosses.

Some of the ways (some effective, some antiquated) they spend that budget line money are:

One-sheets & standess (displayed in-house)
Trailers (previews of coming attraction)
Advance promotional WOM (word-of-mouth) screenings
Radio advertising
Print advertising (newspaper, magazines, internet banners, etc.)
Print articles (newspaper, magazines, blogs, etc.)
Television advertising
Televisions shows (Entertainment Tonight, et.al., Letterman/Leno, etc.)
Press junkets
Reviews via movie critics

Pause for a moment. Mentally choose a film you recently saw. How many times were you exposed to it from the items above? If you are like me, you've crossed paths with that film at least a few times. Sometimes all of them!

This said, it leaves me absolutely flabbergasted when customers come into my lobby and inquire with the staff (usually the Box Office cashier), "Can you tell me what that film is about?"

I am not talking about the momentary forget that a simply jog of the memory will recall. "Atonement? What's that?" "That has Keira Knightly in it...." "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right." I'm talking about people -- and they are legion -- that ask and inquire, get provided a full description and cast listing and still are standing there with a blank look on their faces.

This occurs dozens of times throughout the week at my cinema, all year long. Dozens. We will go down the list with them:

JUNO.
ATONEMENT.
BUCKET LIST.
THERE WILL BE BLOOD.
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN.
27 DRESSES.
I AM LEGEND.
AMERICAN GANGSTER.
CLOVERFIELD.

Again, even after giving them a full and complete answer (with cast, synopisis, etc.) they will still stand there inert as statuary. Nothing, not one, will have rung a bell.

During moments like this, I wish I was on-stage. The stage lights around me would dim as my spotlight brightened so I could deliver my soliloquy:

"What the fuck?! Have you been in a coma? Do you live in a cave? You're telling me you have no television, cable or radio? You never sully your hands with newsprint? You don't have a magazine subscription, or casually flip through a magazine in a waiting room? Your room is dark; you are locked in its dankness six out of God's seven days? Really? At the very least, several of these films are based on well-reviewed, best-selling novels that are available not only at bookstores, but even at the most rudimentary of grocery stores and have been popular for several years! Truly...what the fuck. How hard to you have to work at having absolutely no awareness of the world around you?"

Okay, I'll get off my soapbox. But I am not done ranting.

Let's have some perspective here. JUNO has been out since Christmas. NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN was what, November? Like with THERE WILL BE BLOOD, these are major, high-profile, mulitiple Oscar-nominated films --- which means they get written about and mentioned far more often than the average, common film. How could you have possibly dodged every mention of these?

"CLOVERFIELD? Helllooo! You're telling me that for over six months you were able to miss their entire viral video campaign and the passions of thousands of fanboys in casual conversation? Did the graphic artist who conceived of the CLOVERFIELD poster fail? A ripped and destroyed Statue of Liberty just couldn't grab you attention for the three point five seconds it would take for your simian brain to retain the information?"

"Everytime you eat, must you relearn how to use a fork, a knife, a spoon? What is this napkin you speak of?"

"Well, hello Captain Oblivious! I've long wished to meet you, and here you are, upright & bipedal in my presence!"

I have seen these same inquiring people (oh, how misused is the word 'inquiring' here!), frequently and often, in my cinema, week after week, spending their monies on admissions and concessions.

"Hello! Did you not see the two posters Universal Pictures required we hang side-by-side in our cases for AMERICAN GANGSTER? Hello! Did you never look up and see the massive vinyl banners hanging from the ceiling? Hello! Did you not waddle your ass into that ginormous cardboad lobby display last Saturday matinee?"

"Hello! Were you too busy choking on popcorn and Goobers, causing you to miss the previews of coming attractions ("I can't miss the previews. They're the best part!") as you were receiving the Heimlich Maneuver? Is that why you were not cognizant about any of the current dozen releases? Bueller...? Bueller...?"

Sadly, however, they always know about screen fodder like ALVIN & THE CHIPMUNKS, THE HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE and YOURS, MINE and OURS.

Hollywood? You are spending an insane amount of money on advertising, but I just don't see how you are missing a core of people who want to spend money on your product that wander into my lobby. Truly, that takes talent. Did you utilize a focus group to accomplish that?

Love give me strength.*

2008-02-07T15:20:00.000-08:00

I can sense the approach of Valentine's Day by the fact there is a one-sheet hanging in my lobby for the new Matthew McConaughey movie, "Fool's Gold".

Yes, Matthew was kind enough to squat, open his bowels and shit out another rom-com for the desperate-and-recently-dating this holiday season.

I understand that this movie was written prior to the writers strike, but still, I am curious to know if it has an actual screenplay, but I'm not going to watch it to find out.

*Post title spoken by Juliet, from "Romeo & Juliet".